Category: Marriage Support

Marriage takes constant effort!

We know that may be obvious, but sometimes we can forget. It’s helpful to use the analogy of a garden when it comes to a marriage — we need to tend to it, water it, and help it grow. Only then will it bear fruit. But we know how hard it is sometimes to put it into action, especially amidst all of the various trials that come up in married life. We experience loss, we have miscommunications, and we can easily be overwhelmed by all of the responsibilities we have in life. Let’s be honest: marriage is not easy.

But as many times as we’ve been surprised by the trials of marriage, we’ve also been surprised by the graces God gives us. When we put forth the effort, God blesses it, no matter how small. That’s the inspiration behind Surprised By Grace: Monthly Challenges. Sometimes focusing on the little things in our marriage helps us to work on the big things. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes we can only work on one thing at a time, and that’s okay!

Pick one theme each month of the year

Surprised By Grace includes 12 monthly challenges (as well as a few extras, which we will explain!). For each month of the year, pick one theme to work on. For each theme, we provide a checklist with a few challenges to complete. Some months have more concrete items while others include concepts to be more aware of. So in general, we suggest trying to check off at least 4 of the following actions throughout the month! Make a goal to do one each week, but you could also aim to complete the entire list. You could also choose to focus on one theme each week vs each month, if you prefer. It’s really up to you how you would like to use these challenges!

Not sure your spouse will do them with you? No problem!

Even though we encourage couples to do these together as much as possible, one spouse can do these alone. You may have to tweak some of them. For example, for Couple Prayer, make praying for your spouse the priority. Although we really encourage you to pray together because spiritual intimacy is the foundation of a marriage, we understand that sometimes a spouse is unwilling. If this is the case for you, pray in a special way that your spouse will be open to praying together.

Another note if you are doing this without your spouse: Do each challenge with love for your spouse, and do not let resentment grow if he/she is not willing to do it with you. Chances are if you really do these challenges, your spouse will notice. Do your part, and let God handle the rest.

The extras for each monthly challenge

In addition to the suggested challenges for each theme, we also provide Scripture verses, Christian songs, and a few date night themes.

Scripture : For each theme, we share 4 passages to help encourage you throughout the month. Look up these verses, pray with them, and write them down where you can see them!

Date Night ideas: For some themes, we share an easy idea for a date. Some are places to go while others are just a simple concept to include in your date. Little things really do make a big difference sometimes!

Music: We share a Christian song that goes with each theme, because we really love music! Some of the songs are specifically about marriage, and some are also Catholic artists.

We suggest hanging your monthly challenge on your fridge, so you can see it regularly and check things off as you go! (That’s what we do with our Date Night Tracker.) And don’t forget that even though it takes work, our marriage vocation is worth the effort. Thankfully God gives us the grace to live it out!

Don’t just be surprised by the work of marriage; be surprised by grace.

The beautiful thing I’ve noticed in my marriage lately is that my husband often seems to know what I need more than I do in any given moment, and vice versa. Sometimes it’s very hard to know what I need when I’m so overwhelmed by all the things. Logan, because he knows me very well, can easily see from the outside what’s going on, and give me a suggestion on what I should do in that moment. We shared an example of that in this video…

I don’t remember the specifics of that day other than being spiritually attacked, but I do know I did not have much alone time during that stage of life. I was working outside the home at the time and our toddler was with me all the time, including at work. So, his suggestion of a bike ride was just what I needed. I needed time to myself! And I needed to do something I enjoy.

Flash forward to more recently, when I had another bad day. Logan suggested I go for a walk after dinner, but that suggestion frustrated me. I knew that’s not what I needed, but I didn’t know how to explain myself in the moment. He likely suggested it because it had worked well in the past, and of course I appreciated his attempt to help…but this situation was a little different. I wasn’t working outside of the home anymore, our toddler was now in school all day, and I had been pretty good at getting out of the house to walk/jog. So while previously, I needed more alone time, this time the opposite was true. I needed to connect with him! I especially needed him to talk me through the particular situation in which I was feeling spiritually attacked.

Later that night, I tried to explain what would have been more helpful in the moment, but quite honestly, I knew I was a hot mess and that my explanation involved a little too many emotions. Long story short, our conversation was pretty rough. I struggled to explain myself and Logan struggled to understand.

The importance of communicating what we need ahead of time

It wasn’t until the next day that I was calm enough to see things clearly and better explain what had happened the previous day. I said something along the lines of, “I know I didn’t do a very good job at explaining what I needed yesterday. But now I know that whenever I have a bad day in the future, it would be helpful to connect more with you rather than less.” I also gave a few specific examples of things we could do to connect.

All of that to say, sometimes we know what our spouse needs and other times we don’t. That’s why it’s important to share our hearts with each other! It’s especially important to communicate these things ahead of time so you don’t end up in a frustrating situation like we did.🫠 I encourage you to use our [free!] discussion guide (after watching the above video) so you and your spouse can be on the same page when it comes to each other’s needs. If you need some ideas, I’ve included some questions to ask yourselves below.

The importance of this when it comes to sexual intimacy

This could be a whole post and/or video of it’s own, but I do feel compelled to mention it briefly here. If one spouse does not seem as interested in sexual intimacy, there is a good chance that they’re in need of something else first – whether it’s emotional connection, help with the kids/house, or any other number of things. The effort to communicate your needs to each other will pay off in many ways!

Additional questions to ask yourselves

• While sometimes it’s not feasible to expect a clean house every day, are there certain areas of your home that your spouse appreciates being clean when he/she comes home? (Example: Logan first walks into the playroom and then the kitchen, so when cleaning up I focus on those areas first, if he’s going to be home soon.)
• How can you incorporate your spouse’s love languages into showing small acts of love every day? Watch our video about Love Languages here.
• Is there something your spouse has been wanting to do but just hasn’t been able to make it happen? Can you help make it happen? (Example: Logan has a fishing kayak and hadn’t been able to take it out because his new vehicle didn’t have a way to transport it. So I surprised him with a rack to put on the top of his vehicle. It was the first step he needed to make a fishing trip happen!)
• If you have a really bad day, what would help you recover from it? If your spouse has a bad day, how can you help him/her get through it?

We hope this is helpful! It’s so important in a marriage to know what we each need and to communicate that to each other.