The beautiful thing I’ve noticed in my marriage lately is that my husband often seems to know what I need more than I do in any given moment, and vice versa. Sometimes it’s very hard to know what I need when I’m so overwhelmed by all the things. Logan, because he knows me very well, can easily see from the outside what’s going on, and give me a suggestion on what I should do in that moment. We shared an example of that in this video…

I don’t remember the specifics of that day other than being spiritually attacked, but I do know I did not have much alone time during that stage of life. I was working outside the home at the time and our toddler was with me all the time, including at work. So, his suggestion of a bike ride was just what I needed. I needed time to myself! And I needed to do something I enjoy.

Flash forward to more recently, when I had another bad day. Logan suggested I go for a walk after dinner, but that suggestion frustrated me. I knew that’s not what I needed, but I didn’t know how to explain myself in the moment. He likely suggested it because it had worked well in the past, and of course I appreciated his attempt to help…but this situation was a little different. I wasn’t working outside of the home anymore, our toddler was now in school all day, and I had been pretty good at getting out of the house to walk/jog. So while previously, I needed more alone time, this time the opposite was true. I needed to connect with him! I especially needed him to talk me through the particular situation in which I was feeling spiritually attacked.

Later that night, I tried to explain what would have been more helpful in the moment, but quite honestly, I knew I was a hot mess and that my explanation involved a little too many emotions. Long story short, our conversation was pretty rough. I struggled to explain myself and Logan struggled to understand.

The importance of communicating what we need ahead of time

It wasn’t until the next day that I was calm enough to see things clearly and better explain what had happened the previous day. I said something along the lines of, “I know I didn’t do a very good job at explaining what I needed yesterday. But now I know that whenever I have a bad day in the future, it would be helpful to connect more with you rather than less.” I also gave a few specific examples of things we could do to connect.

All of that to say, sometimes we know what our spouse needs and other times we don’t. That’s why it’s important to share our hearts with each other! It’s especially important to communicate these things ahead of time so you don’t end up in a frustrating situation like we did.🫠 I encourage you to use our [free!] discussion guide (after watching the above video) so you and your spouse can be on the same page when it comes to each other’s needs. If you need some ideas, I’ve included some questions to ask yourselves below.

The importance of this when it comes to sexual intimacy

This could be a whole post and/or video of it’s own, but I do feel compelled to mention it briefly here. If one spouse does not seem as interested in sexual intimacy, there is a good chance that they’re in need of something else first – whether it’s emotional connection, help with the kids/house, or any other number of things. The effort to communicate your needs to each other will pay off in many ways!

Additional questions to ask yourselves

• While sometimes it’s not feasible to expect a clean house every day, are there certain areas of your home that your spouse appreciates being clean when he/she comes home? (Example: Logan first walks into the playroom and then the kitchen, so when cleaning up I focus on those areas first, if he’s going to be home soon.)
• How can you incorporate your spouse’s love languages into showing small acts of love every day? Watch our video about Love Languages here.
• Is there something your spouse has been wanting to do but just hasn’t been able to make it happen? Can you help make it happen? (Example: Logan has a fishing kayak and hadn’t been able to take it out because his new vehicle didn’t have a way to transport it. So I surprised him with a rack to put on the top of his vehicle. It was the first step he needed to make a fishing trip happen!)
• If you have a really bad day, what would help you recover from it? If your spouse has a bad day, how can you help him/her get through it?

We hope this is helpful! It’s so important in a marriage to know what we each need and to communicate that to each other.