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The enemy wants to destroy your marriage

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by MarriageLeave a comment

We recently went on our 4th marriage retreat! As always, it was the perfect time to reconnect and reevaluate our marriage, our family life, and our prayer life together. By now, we’ve realized that the enemy likes to attack us in the days and weeks after we return from a marriage retreat. Last year, when we got in a huge fight on the way home! Thankfully, God made sure to remind us early on in this retreat that the enemy can be sneaky…

Throughout the weekend, there are several periods of “couple reflection time” – we spend about an hour or so with just the two of us, praying together, answering reflection questions, and talking about how life is going and what we can do to improve.

During the very first couple reflection time of the weekend, we were sitting on a bench in front of a pond, filled with fish and turtles. The weather was beautiful, so we were enjoying the outdoors while having a great conversation – bringing up struggles in our marriage and how to grow together. That short time together was so fruitful, and we were feeling pretty good about it while excited about the rest of the weekend. We knew God was with us and could feel the Holy Spirit moving!

As we closed that time together in prayer, we both opened our eyes at the same time and realized there was a snake in the water, swimming across right in front of us. From then on, we were both distracted in our prayer and couldn’t take our eyes off the snake. (With good reason – snakes are the worst!)

Afterwards, we couldn’t help but think of what a great metaphor that was in married life (and life in general). There are times where we are doing really well in our relationship with God and with each other, and that’s exactly when the enemy is going to try to distract us. A lot of times we won’t even realize our focus is being drawn away from what’s important.

We all know that the enemy is going to attack us when we’re weak, but we tend to forget that he can be sneaky and distract us when we’re strong too.

That’s why it’s important to come together on a regular basis, to share our hearts with each other. We need to make sure we’re keeping our focus on God and not being drawn away by the enemy.

A marriage retreat is a great time for us to do that – and why we try to go on one every year – but sometimes life circumstances don’t allow for us to go away for a weekend. That’s okay, though! We can still set aside time together – whether it’s a few hours one day, or an overnight date, or any other scenario – where we reevaluate all areas of life and where we have intentional conversation together.

“To heal the wounds of sin, man and woman need the help of the grace that God in his infinite mercy never refuses them. Without his help man and woman cannot achieve the union of their lives for which God created them ‘in the beginning.’”  -The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1608

Here’s our video after our last marriage retreat, where we share our takeaway and why we go on retreats often:

And here’s the video we did after our retreat last year, when we got in a fight on the way home:

 

Intentional conversation between spouses

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage1 Comment

It’s easy to forget that we should constantly be learning about our spouse. Even though we became friends in high school (15 years ago!!) and have been married for almost 10 years, there’s still a lot we don’t know about each other. And we actually talk to each other a lot!

Last year, we decided to each pick 10 questions to ask each other (scroll to the bottom of the post to see that video). And it was really interesting to see how much we learned from each other just in those few minutes. The crazy thing is, we didn’t even talk about spiritual matters! Most of the questions were kind of silly, like, “Whom would you most want as a dinner guest?”

It’s important to talk about the hard stuff too, though. Husband and wife are meant to be “one flesh” – not only in the physical sense, but emotionally and spiritually too. So that means praying together and sharing everything with each other.

Although we do talk a lot and share a lot with each other, we realized that we don’t set time aside specifically to talk without distractions (kids, TV, phones, etc.) – except for marriage retreats and the occasional date night. Conversation usually just happens whenever and often we get frustrated at the distractions that pop up (or when one of us decides to bring up a tough subject right before bed when the other is ready to sleep…oops). So one thing we are doing is prioritizing distraction-free conversation. Once or twice a month, we will put it on the calendar, maybe pick a special snack or drink to share, and talk about our hopes, dreams, and struggles with each other.

That being said, we also want to be more intentional about our conversation daily and weekly too. We decided not to watch TV at all last week and realized doing so opens up enough time to just sit and talk with each other, which is so important to do on a regular basis.

In case you need some ideas on what to talk about, here are a few to get you started!

Questions to ask each other daily:

-What was the highlight of your day today?

-Did you spend time in prayer today?

-How can I pray for you?

-What is one thing I can do to help you today?

Questions to ask each other weekly:

-Which compliment/gesture/act of kindness did I say/do for you this week that you appreciated the most?

-Did I do anything to hurt you this week? How could I have handled it differently?

-Are you struggling with anything right now? How can I support you in that?

Questions to ask each other monthly:

-How are our priorities right now? Are we putting prayer first and our marriage second?

-How is our family life? Do we need to make any changes?

-Which spending area do we need to cut back on?

-What goal can we set for the upcoming month?

You can also google “conversation starters” and find so many different questions to ask each other. Make it a monthly occurrence at least. 

Do you set aside time to talk periodically? What does that look like for you and your spouse?

Don’t wait to make your marriage a priority

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage3 Comments

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In a show Logan and I watched together last year, there was a man and woman who weren’t doing so well when it came to their marriage. They were barely hanging on….and I mean barely. (And sorry, I’m not going to tell you the show because this post is kind of a spoiler! I hate spoilers.)

It was really painful to watch at times, seeing two people  – who vowed to love each other for better or worse – not treat each other very well. It was even more painful to see the husband try to make things work but be shut down by the wife, who was still remembering painful things he had done in the past.

This couple ended up getting into a situation where they both thought they were going to die. Emotions in this scene were running high, obviously, since they thought it was the last time they would see each other, and they still hadn’t reconciled anything when it came to their struggling marriage.

It didn’t help when the man figured out a way that the woman could survive if he basically sacrificed himself. She was really struggling, probably because she couldn’t seem to forgive her husband for the past…yet he was willing to die for her.

As they were getting ready to enact their plan (which would lead to the husband’s death), the wife blurted out, “I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time being angry at you!”

Whoa. Talk about a lesson learned too late, right? (That scene literally kept replaying in my head for over a month!)

I have to be honest and admit that when I think about the earlier years of our marriage, I did spend way too much time being angry at Logan for the stupidest things. I was too focused on what I wanted, I didn’t spend enough time thinking about how Logan felt in any given situation, and I wasn’t thinking about things in light of eternity.

Fortunately, I’ve come a long way since then, but I still need to be reminded from time to time. Because the truth is, we don’t know how long we will have with our spouse. It could be many years (and hopefully it will be), but it could be months…or even days.

I’m not saying that to freak people out. I’m saying that so we can focus on what’s truly important. As husband and wife, our goal is to get each other to heaven. It’s easy to forget that when life is full of so many other things.

I’m saying this as a reminder (especially to me) that we might not have all of the time we think to work on our marriage. Don’t wait to make your marriage a priority until your kids are older, you have more money, or any other number of scenarios. That time might not come.

Do whatever you need to do to make things right with your spouse. Pray together, talk to each other about your struggles, go to counseling, resolve a fight the same day it happens. Ask God for guidance – he will not abandon you.

Just like we need to be prepared for when Jesus comes again, we need to be prepared for the possibility of death coming sooner than later. If Logan died tomorrow, I can honestly say that we’ve been living the best life with each other this last year. We’ve been working harder than ever on our marriage. We don’t want to have any regrets!

Thankfully for the husband and wife in the show, they ended up figuring out a way to survive together. And while they still had a heck of a lot to work through after that, they realized they didn’t want to waste any more time being mad at each other.

Marriage is going to have its hard moments, even in the best of marriages. But the important thing is to love each other through them and remember to make every single day count.

I’ll leave you with the words of Alice von Hildebrand in her book By Love Refined:

“Marriage is worth fighting for – and no sacrifice, no effort should be considered too great to achieve the noble goal of a perfect union between spouses.”

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Better Together – a 52-week marriage journal

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage7 Comments

December 2021: See our updated version HERE.

A couple of years ago, we realized the importance of coming together on a weekly basis to prepare for the upcoming week, share concerns and struggles with each other, and to affirm each other. So we wanted to create a simple and tangible way for married couples to connect every single week.

Enter: a 52-week marriage journal. Now before you tell me, “But I don’t like to journal!” Just wait. It’s not one of those journals where you write paragraphs and paragraphs. Each week, you’ll simply write down the following:

  • what you’re thankful for
  • prayer intentions for that week
  • 3 things you need to accomplish together
  • how you will make your marriage a priority
  • a short note of encouragement to each other

That’s it! 5 simple ways to connect with each other other. Also included is a different Scripture verse (or verses) each week to read together and memorize if you’d like. See the slideshow below for a little peek:

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There are also a few “extra” pages, like a quarterly check-in page every 3 months, so you can evaluate how things are going. Other extras include:

  • an anniversary page
  • a date night bucket list
  • pages to write the Scripture of the week
  • extra pages to write notes to each other

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The PDF file is 67 pages, so I recommend printing the pages you want to use (you don’t have to use the extras!), hole punching, and then putting them in a binder. That way, you can cut up the extra notes and Scripture pages and put them in the binder pockets to grab when you need one!

You can start using the journal at any time because we leave the date blank. So if you skip a week, you can still continue using the journal…and you can print it out again every single year! We hope it’s helpful. 🙂

To purchase our updated version, go to this post. 

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My favorite marriage books I read in 2018

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage4 Comments

This post contains affiliate links. Read our privacy policy for more information.

In case you didn’t know, I’m an avid reader. And I try really hard to read books in different genres! So while I’ve read over 40 books in 2018, a good portion of those were marriage books. (We could say 2018 was the year I read too many marriage books…)

In no particular order, I give you my favorites:

 

Praying for (and With) Your Spouse: The Way to Deeper Love by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak

Logan and I have been meaning to do a video about this book since we’ve read it together over the summer. Even though we’ve been praying together since before we were married, we still gained a lot of insights from this and it’ll probably be a book we refer to again from time to time. (There was a chapter on praying through difficult times, a chapter on praying through decisions, etc.) This would be especially helpful for couples who haven’t prayed together before or haven’t been consistent about it.

 

By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride by Alice von Hildebrand

I don’t know why I had not read this before now! It came highly recommended, and now I can’t recommend it enough. Every woman should read this, preferably in the first year or two of marriage! It’s one of those easy reads that is good to pick up every now and then for a refresher.

 

Forever: A Catholic Devotional for Your Marriage by Jackie Francois Angel and Bobby Angel

Logan and I read this together during Lent because it’s a 6-week devotional. Most days only took 5 minutes, which we usually did at night before bed. It focuses on Theology of the Body and we had some great takeaways….one being inspired to hang a crucifix above our bed. Because, sacrificial love. Highly recommend this one to married couples! (And you don’t need to be Catholic to read it!)

 

The First Society: The Sacrament of Matrimony and the Restoration of the Social Order by Scott Hahn

This book really inspired me (even more) to focus on the sacramentality of marriage and the importance of all sacraments as a part of our daily lives. I really had several epiphanies reading this, like God creating the marriage of Adam and Eve as the first relationship on earth because marriage is the foundation of society. Our society is failing because marriage is failing! I could go on and on but you should just read it, even if you’re not married.

 

The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett

Learning about temperaments has been such a game-changer for our marriage! I’ve read the original temperament book and the one about children and wondered if I needed to read this one too, but I ended up really liking the specific examples given for married couples.

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So there you have it! I challenge you to pick one marriage book to read in 2019, because a little does go a long way. 🙂

And in case you’re curious, these are the marriage books I plan on reading in 2019:

Did you read any marriage books this past year? Which one was your favorite?

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Grieving Together

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by MarriageLeave a comment

This is not a sponsored post. We did receive a free copy of the book but all opinions are our own! The Amazon link is an affiliate link. Please see our privacy policy for more info. 

There have been many surprises in our last 9+ years of marriage, but the biggest was losing our first baby boy. We didn’t see it coming, and we didn’t know if we would get through it.

I read books on pregnancy loss during the weeks and months to follow, but none of them talked about how it would affect our relationship with God and with each other. There were no Catholic resources on pregnancy loss back then, much less resources about grieving together as a married couple.

Thankfully, times have changed and resources are more available. I was thrilled to learn that Laura Kelly Fanucci (blogger at Mothering Spirit) was coming out with a book co-written with her husband. It’s called Grieving Together: A Couple’s Journey through Miscarriage. This is the book we’ve been missing! This is the book that we needed almost 9 years ago.

book - Grieving Together

Even though the focus is miscarriage, any couple experiencing any other loss (stillbirth, infant loss) will benefit from this book. They really do cover everything, including:

  • The physical experience of miscarriage
  • What the Catholic Church says about miscarried babies
  • How we can remember our babies
  • How we each grieve as mother and father
  • Prayers and quotes from the saints

Plus so much more. I’d recommend anyone to read this book, whether you’ve experienced a loss or not. There are personal stories woven throughout that give the reader so many different perspectives.

One of my favorite chapters is the one titled “Your Marriage after Miscarriage.” It didn’t hit us until years later how our loss affected our marriage. We got married in June, found out we were pregnant in August, and lost our baby in December. Those first few months of marriage happened so fast! We didn’t know what hit us, and we definitely didn’t know how to cope.

But Laura and Franco address how we each grieve as mother and father and how we grieve as a couple. It really would have been so helpful to have those insights when we were in the thick of it.

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Even though it’s been almost 9 years, and we have three more boys with us now, sometimes I feel a little silly that I can still get emotional about our loss. You would think we wouldn’t still need a resource about pregnancy loss. But grief is unpredictable.

It was only this past May that Logan and I both ended up crying over our sweet baby boy while on a marriage retreat. Grief can hit you years later! We often think about what our family would look like with another boy added to the mix.

We also think more about our baby, Levi, during the fall because that’s when I carried him. I still remember the ultrasound dates, the first time I felt him kick, and the day we found out he was a boy. The closer it gets to December 29, the more we think about the baby who really did change everything for us.

Levi

So whether you just miscarried or your loss was several years ago, read this book! Gift it to a couple in need. It makes a valuable resource for any couple, church parish, or ministry. It’s available at Our Sunday Visitor, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble.

Free resources available include:

For anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss, know that we are praying for you!

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Two marriage lessons from the Wedding at Cana

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage1 Comment

This post contains affiliate links. See our privacy policy for more information.

Logan and I recently had the opportunity to attend a marriage enrichment event hosted by a local church parish (thanks to the generosity of friends!). There was a delicious 5-course meal, a different wine served with each course, and a different speaker at the end of each course. Most of the speakers were married couples, but the parish priest spoke at the end of the main entree. The topic he talked about? The Wedding at Cana. (I did mention this briefly on Instagram).

The Gospel reading at our wedding was the Wedding at Cana, and I pray the Rosary every day, so I’m no stranger to the story. In fact, it’s one of my favorite mysteries. How awesome is it that Jesus (because of Mary) chose to perform his first miracle at a wedding? What does that say about the importance of marriage?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about what the priest said in his brief talk. He made two points:

1. Do the work so God can do the miracle.

The servers had the difficult task of filling those six stone water jars (each twenty to thirty gallons!) with water. Can you imagine how long that took? How much work that was? But they did the work so Jesus could turn the water into wine. They were able to see the miracle because of the effort they put forth.

The same goes in marriage! I know that Logan and I did not see God working in big ways until we did the work necessary. God wants to do great things…but he also wants us to do our part. Think about how many miracles in the Bible happened because of the effort put forth by that person!

The woman with a hemorrhage knew she just needed to touch Jesus’s cloak, the Syropheoenician woman insisted on Jesus driving the demon out of her daughter, the leper prostrated himself before Jesus because he knew that Jesus could make him clean. The list goes on and on.

2. God saves the best wine for last.

On our wedding day, we think that’s the best it’s going to get. We’re so happy and we love each other more than ever! How could it get any better? But it does. We’re only 9 years in, and we’ve seen the growth in our relationship through all of the highs and lows. Our marriage is definitely better than it was on our wedding day! Can you imagine what it will be like in another thirty years? Just like Jesus saved the best wine for last at the Wedding at Cana, he saves the best wine for last in our marriage.

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All of that to say, those two points go hand-in-hand. Just like we have to do the work so God can do the miracle, we won’t get to taste that best wine by staying stagnant. Anyone who’s been married knows that it’s not easy! It takes constant effort. And just when you think you and your spouse are doing well, something happens to make you realize that there’s still work to be done. We have to constantly fill each other up!

It’s important to remember, though, that we can’t do it without God’s help. We have to seek God first and foremost. He will give us the grace we need to live our married vocation. Just take it from Fulton J. Sheen in his book, Three to Get Married:

“Two glasses that are empty cannot fill up one another. There must be a fountain of water outside the glasses, in order that they may have communion with one another. It takes three to make love.”

So make sure you’re inviting God into your marriage. Pray together, have those difficult conversations together, share everything with each other, and support each other. Keep doing the work by filling each other’s glasses, trusting that in time, God will provide that best wine.

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Waiting Together – An Advent Devotional for Couples

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage2 Comments

2023 Update: This devotional was designed for 2018 and is no longer available. Please see our Journey Through Advent for Catholic Couples as an alternative that works for any year!

Edited to add (November 2019): This post is about the 2018 edition. Check out the 2019 edition! Thank you!

There are so many Advent devotionals out there! And it’s great, really. Advent is the perfect time to spend dedicated time each day praying and meditating on Scripture.

But a couple of blogging friends and I realized there’s not much out there specifically for Catholic married couples. So we decided to write a devotional together!

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Do you want a simple way for your and your spouse to prepare for Christmas together? Waiting Together is an Advent devotional specifically for Catholic couples! Each day in Advent, we give you the Gospel reading for the day, a reflection, questions to discuss together, and a prayer. That’s it! It will take you less than 10 minutes each day. (Most days will probably only take 5 minutes. Easy peasy, right?)

There are a few challenges scattered throughout, and all are simple things that you and your spouse can do together to help keep the Advent season sacred.

We centered the devotional around marriage (obviously) and each week has a different theme. For example, I wrote the first week of the devotional, which is all about hope. I share experiences and insights from my own marriage and tie them into Advent.

A brief overview:

  • Week 1, Hope – written by myself, Jen, of Surprised By Marriage
  • Week 2, Faith – written by Kristi Denoy of Hail Marry
  • Week 3, Joy – written by Hilary Thompson of Messy Buns and Latin Chant
  • Week 4, Peace – written by Rachel Washington of Hail Marry

You can print it out yourself or read it on any device. (I’m a big fan of emailing PDFs to my Kindle – here are instructions on how to do that.)

We are so passionate about encouraging couples to pray together and foster a spiritual life together, so we’re very excited about this project! We hope it blesses you and your marriage this Advent. Click below to purchase. (Note: it’s a digital download!)

 

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Gratitude in marriage

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by MarriageLeave a comment

When we had a toddler and a baby, we went through a major rough patch – it was hard to see how many blessings God had given us because we were both so focused on the negative things in life. I was overwhelmed staying at home with two littles all day, Logan was frustrated with his job, we were both frustrated with our financial situation, and well, let’s face it…our marriage was struggling big time. All I could focus on was how Logan wouldn’t help me when I was clearly overwhelmed (and tired…oh so tired) and all Logan could focus on was my lack of encouragement and my crazy talk. We were both really disillusioned.

Honestly, not much has changed since then – we’ve added another kid to the mix, but I’m still overwhelmed (most days), Logan is still frustrated with his job (most days), and we’re both frustrated with our financial situation (most days).

But our marriage? It’s so much better. And I think a big part of that is because we’ve started “counting our blessings” together on a regular basis, so to speak. (I know that sounds totally cliche, but it really, really helps.)

The crazy thing is that in many ways, life is harder now than it was back then. But thankfully God has given us the grace and tools to work through it. If there was one thing I could tell myself a few years ago when I was so focused on all the negative things in my marriage, it would be this: write down (or think about) at least one thing you’re grateful for every single day.

We may not have the ideal situation regarding Logan’s job and our finances, but we are able to pay the bills and we own a house we love.

We may not be going on fancy vacations every year, but we are still able to save a little for fun things and simple trips.

We may be completely overwhelmed with our kids sometimes, but we know the pain of infertility and loss is a hard and lonely cross.

We may still have our disagreements and communication problems, but we have come a long way in appreciating each other’s differences and growing in understanding one another.

We may not have the perfect marriage, but we know our marriage is sanctifying us…and that’s the whole point – for us to grow closer to God.

Earlier this summer, we dealt with a number of health issues, house repairs, and other ridiculous occurrences in a span of one month – all of which are not unusual in themselves, but the frequency and quantity in which they occurred was very unusual. It was overwhelming and stressful, to say the least.

But even amidst all of the craziness, we had a number of good things happen as well. June was probably the most stressful month we had in a long time – but it also produced the most fun month we had in awhile. (I know that sounds impossible. But it’s true!)

It never ceases to amaze us how God can make his presence known even in the most stressful times. For each stressor, there’s usually a consolation, from a generous friend to a special family moment. Often times one of us has to remind the other of all the good things happening among all the bad things, but thinking about our blessings together has been a great source of comfort.

I know there are times where it’s really hard to think about your blessings, especially when you’re not feeling especially fond about your marriage. When everything seems to be going wrong and you don’t know what the heck God is doing through all of it. When you see everyone’s “good moments” on social media and none of their bad ones. When you think everyone else’s marriage is perfect and yours is not. When you feel like life just hasn’t turned out the way you expected.

But we’ve seen how coming together to thank God for all He has given us, especially in our marriage, has brought us closer together. Every day we thank God together for all of his blessings, and we make sure to remind each other – especially when we’re going through a rough time – that there is always something to be thankful for, even when it doesn’t always feel that way.

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“A Month for Your Marriage” Challenge

Published on by Jen @ Surprised by Marriage5 Comments

One thing I’ve realized over the years we’ve been married is that we constantly need to put effort into our marriage. It’s way too easy to let our relationship with our spouse slide to the back-burner without even realizing it!

That’s partly why we’ve been posting weekly marriage challenges on Instagram and Facebook over the last several months (#marriagemondaychallenge). It’s a reminder every single week that we need to be intentional about our marriage.

Now you can be intentional for an entire month with our challenge cards! Dedicate a month to your marriage by completing a challenge every day for 31 days. Some are simple, some require a little more effort, but every single one is meant to bring you and your spouse closer together.

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It really is the little things that foster growth in a relationship, and that’s never more true than in a marriage.

Are you ready to take “A Month for Your Marriage” challenge? Just print, cut, and put in a basket or box to pick one every day for a month. Use the hashtag #marriagechallengecards to share on Instagram and Facebook. We’d love to see them in action!

A Month for Your Marriage {digital download}

A Month for Your Marriage {digital download}

$2.99

Dedicate a month to your marriage!

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