We wanted kids as soon as we were married, despite being young (newly 23 and almost 23) and not having the best financial situation. (Just call us crazy!) And even though we found out during our engagement while taking NFP classes that it might be a struggle to get pregnant, we knew God had a plan.
Lo and behold, we got pregnant less than 2 months after our wedding. We were so thrilled!! The pregnancy was going perfectly until it suddenly ended at 22 weeks.
Then we struggled getting pregnant again. And while our time of infertility was small compared to many (less than 2 years), we still remember the pain and the struggle. Not knowing if we’d ever have a baby to hold this side of heaven. Wondering why the desire to be parents was so strong from the very beginning just to have to watch everyone else get their turn first.
Our second Christmas as husband and wife…still no baby, but we did have a puppy!
Of course this may be really silly (annoying, even?) coming from a couple with 4 boys now, but we just wanted to tell you that we see you. We see your struggle and pray for you often, especially after experiencing another period of infertility before we were blessed with our youngest son. And we hope the following is encouraging for you…
Our marriage would not be as strong as it is now had we not gone through all of that together. We know not to judge small or childless families. We know the silent cross of infertility is one of the most difficult. We don’t take our children for granted, because they were all very much prayed for and wanted long before we held them in our arms. The time where we longed for a baby gave us a chance to focus on our marriage and build a strong foundation for the children that we prayed would follow.
Our oldest three sons came every two years. Our fourth son came 5 years after that. We had wanted a bigger gap…but not that big. But now that he’s here and we see the dynamic between him and the older boys, we know it’s exactly the age gap our family needed. And only God knew that would be the case!
Our family, Easter 2024
So if you’re struggling with infertility, let us remind you that God redeems everything. God knows what each marriage and family needs and in the time we need it. Is it a coincidence that National Infertility Awareness week always falls during the Easter season? Maybe. But it’s a great reminder that God redeems everything. Our sin, our heartache, and even your infertility.
Your story may not end up like ours, but we know there will be redemption in some way. Just keep your eyes on Him. We are praying for you!
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A few years ago, we saw a post on Facebook where a woman stated that her daughter did not come before her husband. The majority of people commenting on it thought she was crazy (among other things) and said she shouldn’t have kids.
We know it’s hard to understand a statement like that when you have young children who depend on you to change them, feed them, and love them. But it’s true… your marriage should come before your kids. Your family is only as healthy as your marriage is, and so when we prioritize our marriage, our children will benefit. (And so will the rest of the world, but that’s a topic for another day!)
“If we get marriage right, we can not only transform our families and parishes, we can transform the world.”
This is a friendly reminder that your marriage came before your kids in the first place (in most cases), and it should be first once your kids are all grown up too. It may look different in those years in between, but your marriage should still be the most important human relationship in your life. It is the one relationship that you vowed to be there in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, until death do you part.
Why you should keep your marriage a priority now… and not later
Many people did not have a good example of marriage growing up so it may not make sense to put your spouse first when they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Kids need us, after all! That’s especially true when they’re younger.
But it’s important to remember that our children live with us for a brief period of time (in most cases), and even if you’re one of the few that have the responsibility of caring for your children for their entire lives (in the case of special needs), it’s still important — perhaps even more so — to put your marriage first.
Statistics show that the divorce rate for couples over age 50 have increased over the last few decades. You’ve likely heard of “empty nest syndrome”, and it’s one of the reasons for the increase in divorce for older couples. If you’re focused so much on your children to the detriment of your marriage, it’s going to be a rough transition when your children move out.
While we love our children dearly and will definitely miss them once they’re on their own, we also are looking forward to the phase of life where our children are on their own and we have more time with each other, if God blesses us with that opportunity.
But we should also point out that since we don’t know the future, we’re not waiting for that phase. It’s very possible that if/when we’re empty nesters, we might be dealing with serious illness or another difficult situation that would take up just as much time as our children take up now…which is just one of the reasons why we’re focusing on our marriage now and not later. We are living in the present moment!
What putting your marriage first looks like
So let’s first talk about what putting your marriage first DOESN’T mean…
It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent.
It doesn’t mean you don’t like your children.
It doesn’t mean that you let your children fend for themselves.
It doesn’t mean that you stop nursing your baby to make your husband a sandwich. (That one is extreme, but hopefully it made you giggle! 🙃)
We could give more examples, but hopefully that helps to clarify a little. Now for what it ACTUALLY means to put your spouse first:
It means that you and your spouse consistently dedicate time together with just the two of you.
It means that money for dates deserves a line in your budget. (We’re not saying you even have to spend money on dates…but make sure dates are a priority above other unnecessary things. See our date night guide for more!)
It means nourishing the relationship that will always be there. Your children will grow up and be on their own one day, but your spouse will still be there. (We know there are exceptions. Parents of kids with special needs, we see you. ❤️)
It means considering your spouse’s feelings and opinions ahead of anyone else’s. (And no, we don’t mean enabling bad behavior.)
It means finding shared interests even if you’re complete opposites.
It means consulting them when you have a decision to make.
It means giving your spouse your first fruits (after God, of course), instead of giving what’s left of you at the end of the day.
It means working on yourself so you can be the best spouse possible, because then you will be the best parent possible.
It means showing your children what a strong marriage looks like, because that is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
A recent example of us putting our marriage first
We know it’s not easy, especially when you have a clingy toddler or an emotional teenager. But in our experience, when our marriage is thriving, we’re better able to be patient, loving, and firm parents. Our kids love it when we love each other well!
A couple of months ago, we were planning on attending a family-friendly event at a nearby church. We had enjoyed it very much the previous year and didn’t have a reason to notattend.
The week leading up to the event, however, was insane. The whole month before was crazy, actually, but this particular week was especially rough. It included an ER trip for one of our boys, the sudden announcement of our pastor leaving, difficulties at work for both of us, and just lots of other frustrating and inconvenient things. So we made the last minute decision to not attend the church event and to go on a date night instead! It ended up being a much-needed night of connection after a very crazy week. Our kids still had a great time with our friend/babysitter, and we were very happy with our decision to change plans and put our marriage first.
As long as you’re still giving your children what they need (and this will require some discernment), you won’t regret putting your spouse first. It is very possible to keep your marriage a priority without neglecting your children. It’s also 100% worth it – for the sake of your marriage, your family, and the rest of the world.
“Everything we do impacts the world around us. Your vocation, your marriage, can have a tremendous impact. Your marriage matters. It matters not just to you and your spouse, not just to your kids; it matters to the good of human civilization. Your marriage matters to God. We are convinced that the restoration of culture doesn’t rely on strong political leaders or governmental agencies but rather on strong marriages and families. Do you want to change the world? Then win marriage.”
