Unexpected loss

Logan and I were ready to have a baby as soon as we were married. But since my fertility was, well, not normal, it seemed like we would have problems getting pregnant.

To our surprise, we conceived only two months after our wedding. We were thrilled! We were married in June, found out we were pregnant in August, and I started a new job in September that I loved. Life was good. We weren’t making a lot of money, but we were so, so happy.

Even though I struggled a lot with morning sickness (that lasted all day), I was so thankful for the life inside of me. Logan was also so adorable when it came to me and my pregnant self – he looked at me with so much love. He kept telling me how he appreciated me carrying our child, he would kiss my belly after he kissed me on the lips, and he would tell my belly “I love you” after he told me. Despite his excitement, though, Logan couldn’t help worrying about something happening to our baby.

But according to my doctor, the pregnancy was going along swimmingly. A couple weeks into the second trimester, I finally started feeling better. When I was 19 weeks pregnant, we found out our baby was a boy! We decided to name him Levi Anthony and were even more excited to meet him a few months later. Christmas came and it was the best holiday we had celebrated as a couple thus far, and we couldn’t wait until the following Christmas when we would have a baby in our arms.

Just four days after Christmas, though, we ended up in the hospital. After several terrible hours of cramping, contractions, and bleeding, I delivered our son. He didn’t have a heartbeat. There are no words to explain the pain we felt that day and the months (and years) that followed.

At the time, Logan and I hadn’t even been married for seven months yet. We knew marriage would have its ups and downs, but still, we were completely blindsided by the loss of our son. It didn’t help that people kept telling us the statistics for divorce for couples who lost a child. Hadn’t we lost enough already? Was our marriage really doomed too?

Because Logan and I have very different personalities – as well as the fact that I was the one who carried Levi in my womb and Logan did not – we grieved very differently. I cried a lot and felt like I would never be happy again. Logan seemed to be handling it much better than me, so I didn’t tell him everything that was going on inside me.

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Holding our precious baby. It still kills me to look at this picture because Logan obviously did a better job at smiling than me…but I’m very thankful to have this. Our first family picture ❤️

I did journal about all of my struggles, though. Because I couldn’t bring myself to actually say those things out loud, Logan ended up just reading what I wrote and we talked after that.

That’s when I really started to see the beauty of the Sacrament of Marriage – Logan made sure I knew that I was not going through this loss alone. I felt like I was falling further and further away from God, so Logan made it his goal to not let that happen. After all, our main goal of marriage is to get each other to Heaven. Sometimes it feels so impossible, but maybe that’s part of why we go through certain trials – to remind us to help each other.

It was two weeks after we lost Levi that we finally talked about everything that happened. Most trials can cause a couple to grow further apart or closer together, and I can totally see how the former happens. It almost happened to us.

But thankfully we were given the grace to share our pain with each other. Logan told me that day that he wished he could have gone through everything with me at the hospital (since poor guy felt so helpless just watching me in pain all night, and they actually ended up not letting him in the delivery room), but I told him, “I wouldn’t have wanted you to.” Because really, my hospital experience is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone – especially not my husband.

Even though losing our son was harder than I ever would have imagined, I couldn’t help but feel so blessed to have Logan as my other half. I couldn’t imagine going through that tragic time without him. It was only after pouring my heart out to him – and realized he wasn’t going anywhere – that I finally felt I could start on the path towards healing.

The honeymoon is over

Two days after our wedding, Logan and I were in Florida to spend the rest of the week there for our honeymoon. The resort we were staying at had an extra key, and there were instructions to put it in a key pad outside – just in case we needed it. It was a smart move on the owner’s part, since it would lessen the likelihood of him needing to drive over and let people in if they got locked out.

I reminded Logan to put the spare key outside as instructed, and since he tends to blow things off, he ignored me, acting like we wouldn’t need an extra key.

Later that day, we walked outside to open a bottle of champagne. It was our first time opening a bottle and we wanted to play it safe. Logan started to close the door, but I told him not to close it all the way (you know, in case it locked somehow). But like I said before, Logan blew it off and let the door close all the way.

It didn’t take him long to realize we were locked out since he had left his key on the kitchen table – along with the spare key, which should have been in the key pad outside.

To say I was upset with Logan was a major understatement. He should have listened to me! He should have just put the dang key in the pad!

Looking back, I’m not sure why I didn’t just put the spare key in the key pad myself, but it was still really annoying how Logan ignored me. Twice, at that. On our second full day or marriage! I hated that we needed to call the owner to come let us back into our resort, when the spare key would have done it for us.

I took a walk to refrain from saying mean things, and I sat down on some steps (far away from Logan) for a little while. Suddenly I was bombarded by all of these bad thoughts – I doubted our marriage, I doubted my call to the married life, and I doubted whether or not we were cut out for a life together. The devil was taking the perfect opportunity to throw so many evil thoughts in my head. It was crazy.

Thankfully, I realized what was happening, so I prayed for the grace to be a good wife and to keep God at the center of our life together. I ended with the prayer to St. Michael, and God really did help me overcome those evil thoughts.

I wish I had known back then that that was just the first of many, many times that I would question our marriage and my vocation. Sure, I knew marriage was going to have its hard moments, but I felt completely blindsided at just how hard it was at times.

For some reason, people don’t warn newlyweds that there might come a time where you regret getting married. That sometimes you will look at your beloved spouse and wonder what the heck happened to him since you said those blissful vows. I certainly don’t blame people for avoiding all of that when giving their well wishes and congratulations to the blushing bride and groom. Maybe it’s because if people really knew how hard it was, nobody would get married.

The divorce statistics say a lot though – half of all marriages end. Before I got married, I didn’t understand. How could you vow to love someone for better or for worse, in sickness and health, and then decide otherwise later on? How could you just suddenly change your mind one day?

It took me less than two weeks into marriage to understand that sharing every facet of your life with another human being is much harder than it seems.

A mere nine days after our wedding, once the honeymoon was over, and we were settling into our new life as a married couple, I wrote these words in my journal:

I think Logan and I are in for some rough times. It’s just a feeling (and I could be wrong), but I know we’ll make it through because we’re determined to keep God in the center of our marriage.

Boy, if I only knew what was to come.

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The rest of our honeymoon was a blast, thankfully!

When God says Wait

In the summer of 2010, Logan and I had been married for about a year. But in that year, we had already experienced so much, including losing our first son…and we were having problems getting pregnant again. Let’s just say that it was a rough time for us, especially me, as I had no idea what God was doing in my life and I struggled with waiting for him to do something about it. Our baby’s due date had come and gone, our attempts to buy a house weren’t working, and I was feeling pretty empty. I just really wanted to be a mom.

One particular weekend that summer, I was visiting my parents, and my aunt and her family were there too (as well as my brother and his family). Logan wasn’t able to come because of work, so I was the lucky one stuck sleeping on the couch. After everyone else went to bed (and I stayed put because…couch), my aunt hung around for a minute just looking at me. I have to admit I was not a very fun person that day for several reasons. So when my aunt started talking, I knew it was the Holy Spirit talking through her. The thing that sticks out the most is when she said this: “I know God has planned for you an abundant life…but not today.”

When there is something that I want so desperately and I’m praying so fervently for it, I seem to think that God answers either “yes” or “no.” But as history has shown, sometimes God says, “Wait.” And it is through those times of waiting that God reveals an even bigger plan.

There have been so many waiting periods in our marriage – waiting to get pregnant, waiting for our babies to be born after long and difficult pregnancies, waiting for the perfect house. It was truly a lesson in trust and patience, but now I can look back and see how fruitful those times of waiting were (although very hard at times!).

There are other situations we’re still in that waiting period – for Logan to get that dream job, or just a better job, is just one example – and it’s hard to see why God is making us wait so long. It’s even harder to think that we might be waiting forever.

We have several friends who have been unemployed for much longer than expected and other friends who have been unable to conceive after many years. Still others are waiting for their spouses to convert or some are waiting for a chronic medical issue to be solved.

Gosh, there is just so much waiting.

The beauty of marriage, though, is that you have someone to wait with, and I know from experience that you can choose to let those waiting periods tear you apart – or bring you closer together. Use the waiting to cling to each other and strengthen your marriage. I know for us, those have been the best times to work on our communication skills.

If there is anything I have learned from these countless times of waiting, it is this: God has a plan that is above and beyond anything we could have ever imagined. It doesn’t always make sense, and it isn’t always what we would choose for ourselves. And heck, sometimes we won’t even fully know the depth of God’s plan until we see Him in heaven. That’s what faith is about, though…trusting that God knows best, no matter the circumstances. No matter how long we wait for an answer.

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